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Showing posts with the label you are not alone

Living in Squalor!

  I head downstairs, the overwhelming scent of mold permeates throughout the room. Garbage and wet clothes are scattered everywhere and makeshift hammocks adorn the ceiling. A dirty rabbit hutch reeks of urine and feces, and the rotting smell of dead mice or some other mysterious animal buried beneath the filthy ruble burns my nose. As the intense aroma penetrates my eyes, they begin to water incessantly, I don’t think I can handle this. With a trash bag in one hand and plugging my nose with the other, I proceed down into the dingy basement. I  begin wading through the plethora of items in my path, deciding what to keep and what to throw out, I’m disgusted at what I see, my mother would have never let it get like this.  I stand, staring at a massive pile of clothes laying on the damp floor by the washing machine. It feels like just yesterday my mother died and suddenly life went from living in splendor to living in squalor. For me, living in “splendor” didn’t mean living in some extrav
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Never Alone!

Click, I shut the door behind me, I lean my back up against it and slowly inch down to the floor, pulling my knees up to my chest. I rest my head down on my knees and draw in a deep breath, please leave me alone, just let me have a moment to myself, a moment of solace alone in this bathroom. I can feel the cold tiles beneath me, the icy chill sends shivers up my spine, my teeth chatter and I rub my arms, it’s always cold in our house. I pull myself up off the floor and turn on the shower. I disrobe and stare at myself in the mirror, I’m disgusted at what I see, an instant desire for self-mutilation takes over me, to cut and remove every part of me that he is attracted to. I turn my ahead away, I can’t look anymore, the more I look at myself the more I hate what I see. I try and lock the door, I drop my hand and bow my head, the lock doesn’t work. I pray that I can have 30 minutes of undisturbed silence, time to collect my thoughts, and give my body a chance to recuperate from the const
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Trapped!

    I am sitting in the living room. I can see a small cockroach crawling across the end table. I watch its antennae move back and forth, examining every object and surface it’s comes in contact with. I see them all over the place. I have learned to sleep with the covers over my head to prevent a cockroach fro m crawling inside of my ear. Sometimes, if there is a cluster of them, you can hear them scurrying around in the darkness. There are so many of them, and they are everywhere. I see them mostly in the kitchen and the living room. Maybe it’s because they are the most frequented areas of the house. A lot of times, whe n you are cooking, you have to carefully examine your food before eating it, there might be a dead cockroach hiding in your rice or mashed potatoes. We are ate a lot of rice, potatoes, spaghetti, ramen noodles, and powdered milk. My dad’s only source of income was from disability, and there were 6 kids still living at home. Of course, his money was well spent on beer a
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Discovering Suicide

  I understood what suicide was at a very young age. After my mother died, my dad struggled to cope. He chronically abused alcohol and would feel deeply sorry for himself. I understand he was only 35 years old when my mother died and he had several children to take care of. My family was by no means wealthy. We lived in a small townhouse. There were 3 bedrooms upstairs with a full bath. There was somewhat of an open concept downstairs. The kitchen led into the dining room and the dining room and living room looked as if it was one large room. My parents separated the two by placing a couch in between them and a sofa table behind it. My mother did not work and my father collected disability. It wasn’t until years later that I learned about his schizophrenia diagnosis.  From what I can remember my dad has always been a heavy drinker but, after my mom died I don’t think I ever saw him without a beer in his hand. Canadian Molson was his preference. If he was desperate he would settle
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